Are These Firework Names?

In honor of Independence Day, I want to play "Are These Names of Fireworks?"

Crackling Ball: Is this a firework or a medical condition?

Martian Delight: Is this a firework or a Asian massage special?

Large Friendship Fountain: Is this a firework or a friend with benefits?

World Class Cone #3: Is this a firework or a douche bag at a bar?

Rocket Fountain: Is this a firework or a Passion Party gift?

Phoenix Tail: Is this a firework or a stripper?

Cajun Whistler: Is this a firework or a backwoods redneck you'd find on a float trip?

Here's some other firework names that don't even need jokes written about them:

• Airotica-11 shots
• Battle of Lexington
• Boogie Nights
• Heartstopper
• It’s a Matter of Size
• Jealous Condor
• Larry
• Lethal Weapon
• Molotov Cocktail
• Shock and Awe
• Barely Legal
• So Loud
• That’s Your Problem
• The New Hotness
• Untamed Retribution
• Very Vegas
• The Virus
• Well Equipped

Odd Discussions on Facebook

Sometimes when I'm up late working on homework, I am logged on to Facebook. I use it as a distraction throughout the evening as I am completing my web design assignments. One evening, someone decided to strike up an odd conversation with me. It didn't go according to her plans. Here's a transcript of our discussion.  

Leslie

I like you baby.

John

Great! Can you get me a beer?

Leslie

what?

John

I got a message saying you liked me. I thought you could show me how much you liked me by getting me a beer.

Leslie

i do like you, and how old are you?
are you married?♥

John

I am 38 and married. Where's my beer?

Leslie

im 21 and single, but before i get yu yur beer honey, r yu willing to have an affiar with with mee?

John

Is this all about you? What about my feelings? What's the status of that beer?

Leslie

what do you mean by beer>///???>?

John

Beer it is malty beer made from grains and hops and stuff. Now, let's get down to business! I would like a Boulevard Wheat!

Leslie

mmk, but wouldnt yu like to roleplay first

John

Sure, I will play a thirsty bar patron and you can play a waitress.

Leslie

okayy, i'll start.
Hello Sir Your A Hottie What Can I Get Cha,?

John

I'll take a beer!

Leslie

Okay, any thing else, like a invatation to your hotel room.

John

Do you have pretzels?

Leslie

yess, here ya goo, and anything else sir?♥

John

Why yes there is! I would like another beer!

Leslie

okayy, but wouldnt you like something elsee.
?

John

Oh I know what you're talking about...

Leslie

what am i talking about hun?

John

Potato skins...I would LOVE some!

Leslie

sir i ment we shuld go back 2 ypur place.

John

That's what I'm talking about. Here's the keys to my place. <tosses the keys> Go back, make some Potato Skins and you can help my wife clean up the place. She has a thankless job and she always needs help! After you are done, she can give you some career advice and discuss how you can stop being a whore. Sound good?

Are you a Vaguebook poster?

One of the frequent mistakes I see on Facebook are brief and non-specific status updates. This status update technique is called Vaguebooking.  Here's a few examples of Vaguebook posts:


Things are falling apart.

Having a rough day. 


Most of the time the Vaguebook technique does not work. Most people are only taking a few minutes at a given point in the day to review what's going in with their Facebook friends. Most people will be cautious about stumbling into a potentially delicate matter with a flippant response. Buck up camper might be a light-hearted response to the rough day update above if the person simply had a couple of stressful encounters. However, if this person was referring to the fact that their dog had died, their house was currently on fire and that they had lost their winning ticket to the $1 million lottery, telling them to buck up is probably not going to help.With this in mind, many people will read your Vaguebook post without a comment to avoid a potential misstep .

If you feel the need to vent or release some steam with a Vaguebook post, consider the following:

• Make your vague update into something that people can Like. Don't say: Having a rough day. Instead try saying: Having a rough day and would like to fast-forward to Friday. Amen! Who wouldn't like to get to the end of the week? 
• Limit your vague posts. You don't want to become a regular Vaguebooker. Your friends might consider hiding your posts or simply skim right past them if you do this frequently.
• Be vague, but be different. Find a way to say something in an unusual way. Include an interesting picture with your vague post. Make your words rhyme. Say it in a funny way.

Facebook is an interactive forum. It's important to present yourself in a way that allows others to interact with you and your updates.This makes it more fun for you and your friends.

Daily Deals thinks I'm a lady

I'm one of those junkies who likes to get those one-day email coupons.

Based on the type of offers I get, someone thinks I spend all my discretionary income on eating out, massages and dancing. I'm waiting for an offer that combines all three: a massage therapy restaurant where you learn a Zumba lesson before you leave.

It's not enough that I have Groupon but I also have Living Social's Daily Deals. I have double the deals to sort through every morning. This morning I had clear evidence that Groupon knows that I'm a dude and that Living Social believes that I'm a woman in urgent need of grooming.

Groupon's offer: a 60-minute massage or haircut at The Men's Locker Room.

Daily Deals offer: Brazilian wax, haircut, and manicure and pedicure at MAC Salon & Spa

Unfortunately, I am not the typical Groupon or Daily Deals user. About 70 percent of the users of these services are female, ages between 21 and 35, and college-educated. Well, one out of three isn't bad for me. The services tend to offer deals that reflect this customer base. That's why you will see lots of offers for spas and beauty treatments.

There is hope for me still. Recently, Groupon started offering more targeted deals based on location and gender. Here's to hoping I never get another offer for a Brazilian wax again.

Celebs like Charlie Sheen are squeezed by public

Unfiltered access to the public is backfiring for a few celebrities like Charlie Sheen, 50 Cent and Gilbert Gottfried. These celebs are embracing Twitter and webcasts to communicate to the masses. However, the public is responding with an embrace of its own. This embrace could be similar to that of a boa constrictor.

The leader of the social media knuckleheads is Charlie Sheen who began his quest to educate the public about his path to sobriety through traditional broadcast television. He showed how he was a reformed man by providing the results of a recent drug test. Here's a clue Charlie: if you have to produce a successful drug screening to prove that you are on the path to responsibility, there's already a problem. It's like a thief who empties his pockets in an effort to show you that he hasn't stole anything....YET.

Charlie Sheen shows us that a filter 
is sometimes a good thing.

However, Charlie's lunacy escalated once he began live webcasts of himself. His first webcast included his commentary on "Weagle the Eagle," a bald eagle who crashed into a windshield. He also gave us ramblings on about his iPad, his "Winning" tattoo, and NBC correspondent Jeff Rossen. All this takes place while he sweats profusely on the set for 30 minutes. 

By the fourth webcast episode, he is lambasting the president of CBS, the president of Warner Brothers Television, and the creator of Two and a Half Men. Sheen calls these little nuggets of knowledge, "torpedoes of truth." Here's a torpedo of truth for you, Charlie: The public is not amused. A new Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey says that 71% of Americans have an unfavorable impression of you.

Rapper 50 Cent joined the knucklehead party with his lame tweets on the tsunami that hit Japan. 50 Cent started with this, ""Man I hate to say this but the world is coming to a end. Look at japan tell the people you value you love them... US west coast TUSNAMI (sic) watch f**k this I'm going back to new york." He continued with this, ""Hawaii under a watch this s**t is crazy. I can't swim... Now they are saying they know it's gonna hit the west coast damn." Wait, there's more. "Wave will hit 8am them crazy white boys gonna try to go surfing. Look this is very serious people I had to evacuate all my hoe's from LA,Hawaii and Japan. I had to do it. Lol (laugh out loud)." Feedback from his 4 million Twitter fans was severe calling him an "a**hole" and "insensitive."

Gottfried's goose or duck is cooked.

Comedian Gilbert Gottfried was the final guest at the knucklehead party with his Tweet, "I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, 'They'll be another one floating by any minute now." As a result, Gilbert lost his gig as the voice of the AFLAC duck.

Gilbert, next time you want to tweet, try quacking instead. You'll get better results.

Nobody loves you on Facebook

You might be one of those lucky people who always posts a status update that generates interest with your friends. If that is you, congratulations. This blog is not for you. However, if you are a person who frequently posts without a "like" or a comment from your friends or if you are a person that lurks from the sidelines, unwilling to say what's going on in your life, listen up! Here's a few tips to make your status updates better:

It's in the details - It's sometimes nice to know the daily happenings of your friends. But we all go to work, eat lunch, and go to sleep. What makes your daily events different? We are interested in details. What did you hear on the radio on your drive into work? If you mention a hair band from the '80s, be prepared for my response. If you ate lunch, what did you have? If you make me hungry, I will tell you in my reply.

You got questions? - People love to give their opinions. Tell your Facebook friends what your possible plans are and ask for their input . If you are going to the movies, ask what movie you should see. If you are going to the bookstore, ask for ideas for books to buy. If you are going to the hair salon, ask if you should get all your hair cut off. That will get their attention!

Be loud and proud - If you had a good time doing something, be excited. We want to join you. If you had an horrible experience, tell us your misery. We want to counsel you. People aren't interested in learning about  middle of the road experiences. If you can't be excited about the events of your life, why should we be?

Proven winners - If you are following all of these suggestions and still not getting the love on your status updates, try talking about a few reliable topics. These include discussions of food, area sporting teams, your kid's activities or your pets. If I ever mention the words Cheez Its or cookies in my status, I'll always get at least two "likes." If I discuss the pitiful performance of the Chiefs or the Royals, I'll have a line of people waiting to agree with me. Finally, kids and pets are cute. Enough said!

Here's a few other quick tips:

• Rants can be funny and amusing on a limited basis. If you do it frequently, we will send the van with the padded walls for you.

• Don't post every article you read. Your friends know how to find things on the web. It's called Google.

• Don't go overboard with posting quotations. I might not find Larry the Cable Guy to be as inspirational of a character as you do.